3 bags 2 hours

WARNING: This blog is 99% about the boy if you are in anyway an anti-love/relationship person do not attempt to read. Side effects include jealousy, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, doodling on everything, writing snail mail, etc.

I have bought boy's perfect valentines day gift. He'll probably think it's way to much, but I say it's perfect. I would tell all my lovely readers but he is one of them so I can't spoil the surprise. On Tuesday I am going back to WKU to return books, hang out at the bcm, have dinner with friends, and go to 180 it is going to be amazing. I may end up finishing my junior year by home schooling english 3 and taking some classes at the community college which would be awesome seeing that I already have 17 hours of credit. So boy and I have been waiting and praying about dating for a long time almost four months, and february is almost here. We set that as like a tentative date and now its only 11 more days. I think he's going to be all gentleman like and make is special when we make it official but however he does it I will be happy. I can't wait to start our relationship. The longest I have dated anyone for any amount of time is 4 months and I have almost passed that and we are going strong. We are like the notebook we rarely agree because we are both stubborn and hard headed but we fight playfully. I have been thinking about the 3 word phrase that really takes a relationship to the next level. I have never said it before but I have put a lot of thought into, and I know I'm not ready to say it but when it grows so much that I can't contain it anymore I will. I know I will mean it because he is the most perfect boy you'll ever meet. He is very handsome, especially with his new hair cut, he is a complete gentleman in everything he does, and he is a man-- he has the natural instinct to provide and care for me and I really like that about him. I showed my mom his gift today and she goes so this one's going to be a serious one, and I said yes! I want this to glorify God, but I know we are both strong people and we will see this commitment through. My family absolutely adores him, and why shouldn't they? In case you haven't understood yet he's pretty much perfect. Like that notebook reference I made, he's driving an hour an half this weekend to come watch it with me and just hangout! I can't wait. I really care about him, and I think I even 3 word phase him, but I am going to let them come out in time.

Oh did I mention he started his own blog! I'm really excited for him. Blogging has been a great thing for me. He only has 2 entries so far but I'm hoping he'll keep writing. I really enjoy reading about his life, he's pretty interesting. One blog is completely about me and him and it's entitled my world. I don't think my face could stretch any wider than I was smiling while I read the entire thing. And then I read the newest one about him being back home at WKU and I was so happy for him. But once again I was mentioned at the end, and the smile took over my face again. I wanted to read his profile, and his interests said my girl, and favorite music boy mix ( a mix I made him for christmas) were on there. You can only immagine what I did? You know the huge grin :). So basically I hope he keeps writing about what he loves and whats going on with him. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful man. I would start calling him man but that makes him sound old and although he is a man, a real true to the definition man, I still like calling him boy, My Boy.

Losing time

I have decided to go back to high school. Not many people can say they have been to college and gone back. I get to finish my junior year and have a senior year. These last few days are nothing but chaos though. Packing, returning books/laptops, saying goodbyes, making plans for home, it's just getting to be a pain. I still have to finish my art appreciation and cps class but then I am officially done. I plan on coming back to visit at least once if not twice next week. After talking to my brother last night I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, and if there is I know how to call for help but I know myself better than anyone. I am sure I won't be exactly "welcomed" back at my old high school but I'll survive. I can drive now, which is a good thing. I will really miss WKU though and all of my friends here. Maybe in a year and half I'll be back who knows? I am going to look at a lot of schools though. I have most of my credits so I don't have to really take anything. I hate that I have to leave the boy here, but I know we can make it work. There has been talk of the L-word lately and it scares me a lot. I have never said it before but I think for once I could say it and mean it, and that scares me. I think he feels the same though, but I am going to let him be the first to say it so that I know he's comfortable with it. I have so much to do in these next 2 days and then moving back in at home and everything that comes with "home" is going to be a mess. I think being home again will make me who I was before I came here which was a really happy person. I am going to look for a new church though because I just don't feel right with my other one. I also hope I can go to Lexington soon to visit Tyler and Amy. I'm going to go continue being anti-social, and procrastinating. I hope you all do the same.

5 Days

Alot has happened in the 9 days I haven't written. What you might ask? Well I'll tell you:
Beth has decided to stop being my best friend so other than Shelby back at home I have no one. This is a subject I could write an entire blog on but it will just upset me more. I went skiing and I am so sore and stiff its ridiculous. My boy came to ski with me it was so much fun spending time with him. He is so wonderful to me, I don't understand what I did to deserve someone so wonderful. February is almost here which means we are almost official I can't wait to see how he surprises me. I also can't wait for valentines day I am planning something really special. This, as you can see, is another subject I can go on and on about. I have figured out that I may not have depression or bipolar but pmdd. You can look it up yourselves, but it's a girl thing--warning to all guys. I have a meeting tomorrow to determine whether I'll even be back for spring semester or whether I'll be going home. I knew I was going home for my senior year but I didn't expect so soon. I should do some reading. I am really scatter brained tonight. I am also waiting on a chicken and cheese quesadilla from taco bell. And now I have a dying laptop so I'll blog more later. If I could say one thing I would talk about the boy and say how much he makes me happy, how grateful I am for him in my life, and how I am so impressed that he is standing by my side through all of this. Thank you boy, you are amazing!

You are My Sunshine My Only Sunshine

After talking to some of my close friends who let me vent yesterday I feel slightly better. One of them suggested getting further testing, that maybe the way I felt so awful wasn't my fault. I took her advice and I took the online pre-screenings which told me I should come in for further testing so I have an appointment set up for monday, I have a feeling that whatever has got me in this funk is going to get figured out. Some people around me were getting worried, if I could tell them anything it would be not to be worrying about me. One of my close friends told me to paint to feel better, I painted what I like to think is a masterpiece and will eventually post a picture of it but it was my form of therapy and venting--it felt good. I have never thought of myself as an artistic type, nor have I ever painted outside of elementary school but it was AMAZING. I am going to buy my own canvas's and paint and do it when I'm feeling down, it's so calming and I'm able to express my emotions without words. You think why is someone blogging if they can't express themselves or isnt that what she's doing, but no I'm not. Some of the issues I can't and won't talk about on here not only for safety, but for people not thinking I'm a crazy, for people who are in my life to be able to talk to me more. On my CPS project that is due by next friday I made a lot of progress and am really happy with it at the moment. This weekend will be a great time to relax and just catch up on things. I'm nervous for my first Art Appreciation test on monday but I'll do alright. This weekend will require some work but it will be worth it.

Next I am kind of in shock at all the Britney Spear's news coverage, I mean really. There is more about her on the nightly news than the war in Iraq the primaries for the election and every other major thing going on with our nation. It's slightly ridiculous how the Spears and Simpson families seem to control the media.

On to boy, I had a long talk with my paint friend about him tonight. It felt good to just be able to get to talk about him as much as I wanted to, sometimes I feel bad that people have to listen to me go on and on. I mean he's just that great though, you really don't understand. I'm praying he doesn't break my heart, because I am definitely putting it out on the line. He'll probably kill me if he sees that I put this but whatever--we talked about past relationship recently and this was the outcome. I have dated at longest 9 months off and on and I mean come on that was middle school. He has been with someone a year and half maybe a little over. I have unfortunately kissed 9 guys, and he has kissed no girls. One on the cheek granted but beyond that nope. I think that is the most amazing thing. Don't get me wrong I would absolutely love to be his first but I want him to give it to someone he really cares about, he has waited this long he should wait to give it to someone he is really sure about. Just yesterday was the 2 month mark, and I don't think he has any clue since the first time we ate lunch together after our conversation about dating on that I have kept track. No we still aren't official but that is by choice, but sometime in february we plan to be. How he is going to make it official I don't know, but he's one creative kid. In real life I have stopped calling him boy, only when I really must--but use of the real name implies that I'm pretty serious. I really like him, and I'm hoping for once taking it slow will win the race.

I think that's enough for my blogventing!

One fairy godmother please?

Where do I even begin? The last time you were reading from me you read about my efforts at cleaning for my boy and his visit. I had a great time with him and wish I could repeat that day over and over again, but I can't. I had to leave on new year's day to head back to school. When I arrived it was about 15 degrees and I had to carry massive loads to my room from my car, it took 9 trips--then I was left to unpack. It was strange being back not seeing John Mark. After everyone was settled back there was a prayer service for his family, and it wasn't until I went to give my friend Suzanna a hug that I just absolutely broke down crying my eyes out. I don't know what caused me to lose it, but I did right there. My RA, the one I mentioned who was exactly like me took me aside to talk and calm down afterward. Before I go on can I mention when I returned we had the exact same shoes from the same store and we both usually wear 8's but it felt "tight" so we both got 8.5's, I was super freaked out by that one. Anyways so no much talking got done but I came to the realization that I have depression, and that it's controlling a lot of stuff in my life. For some of you who know me who are reading this you are probably like what, there is no way she is depressed she is way happy. I put up a good act most of the time, on the inside I am crying out. Coming to terms with it was a big step for me, but I had a rough night trying to figure out how to express myself, I had attempted to write and to talk about it but it wasn't working. I thought of something that would allow me to express myself but I knew I couldn't be that stupid and I called my friend and family group sister Emily and she talked to me about how she's been there. I was comforted to be understood for the first time without having to say anything more that my crying on the other end of the phone. The next day began Art Appreciation, and it's alright but it's really quite dull. There is a lot to be done, I still have a fall semester class to finish an assignment for and I have to prepare for my current class and my up coming ones. I am having a lot of issues that I just want to scream and I want to vent and talk about but like I said depression has been controlling me...a lot and so I just can't. I can cry out as much as I want but it's not working. I have been reminded God wouldn't give me stuff I can't handle, and that God doesn't care about my past and yada-yada. I need a God who carries me through this storm, I am just too weak to keep fighting this battle. I don't know what to do any more. I probably sound somewhat of a psycho now but that's one thing I am not. I am a normal person who has a lot of stuff to deal with. I just want to be able to talk about what's bothering me, I want to be happy, I want to have answers, and I want to stop feeling awful all the time.
I need a fairy godmother.