Fire and Ice

So Christmas has come and gone. I must say although we were on a much tighter Christmas budget it was a very nice one. We didn't have a real, full tree though--just a mini pink pre-lit one and a charlie brown tree with silver balls. It was different. It was also the first Christmas having my parent being separated which was a bit unusual. My dad came late on Christmas day and brought funny gifts, which I'm pretty sure he had just purchased from any stores that were open that morning. It was nice spending a good amount of time with my brother and sister-in-law, they are wonderful. On Christmas day I also went to my mom's parents, it's a tradition. We were without power for a while, but it was still nice. We played all sorts of games and laughed, most of the grandkids are in college now (minus Aaron and Drew) so we all caught up on the semester. My only girl cousin announced her re-engagement to her boyfriend of 3 or 4 years now. We love him, he's a great guy. They are also going to be the first to give my grandparents their first great grandchild. She is due on May 21st and finds out on Monday the sex of the baby--she is set on believing it's a girl. She's picked the names Kailyn Lorraine for a girl and Ryder James, just in case it's a boy. I'm actually really excited that we'll have a baby crawling around. I mean I'm sure it will be a while until the next baby comes, but soon enough we will all be married and having kids. That's so scary to think that by the end of the next decade I could look back, be reading this exact post from my blog, and smile knowing this baby was just the beginning.

I am so excited for the next semester. It holds so many opportunities. I am going to be super duper busy, there is no doubt about that, but I will be loving every second of it. I am taking 18 hours, but if it kills me I'll gladly drop my 8 am Bio and take 15. I have a second interview for a job, it's a nannying/babysitting job for two young boys, I really hope I get it. The family seems great and it is really flexible, but a great way to gain more experience and gain contacts and references in Lexington for Elementary Education. I will also be working a little be for Tally Cats, getting more involved on campus, and trying to volunteer with whatever time is left after studying, working, and a social life. I hope I can balance it all and make another 4.0, that would just make for a fantastic non-freshman freshman year.

I learn more about myself each day, it a wonderful thing. I have realized that because of some of my scars from the past that I have 4 levels of trust. I have mistrust/first judgements--which for some will never move past, but for others is just the beginning. If you are trying to get to know me it usually doesn't take terribly long to move to mild trust from here. Mild trust--trust for newly formed friends. Most will never make it past this. They will stay on the surface level, they may be privy to some extra detail from my side, but they can't progress if I don't get to know them as well. It has to be a mutual progress. The leap from mild to moderate is like hoping on a motorcycle and jumping 24 school buses. Moderate is for those who truly care. I usually consider those who have made it this far my best friends, some are just great friends, but most are bests. These people don't want surface level conversations, they want to know me and my life and I theirs. Moderate trust is when I trust them 75%, which is a C it may only seem average...but it's far above average since most never make it there. Then there is the final level, Complete trust. Going from Moderate to Complete is like jumping the Grand Canyon...by foot. There are only 2 people who have ever made it here, my brother and my best friend Kelley. Kelley made it in 4 months, which I might add scared the crap out of me, but she did. My brother and I just have this bond, I would take a bullet for him. He is my role model. The closest person to getting in complete is my sister-in-law who has known me for 7 years, who knows just about everything about me. She is also a role model of mine because she is completely herself 100% of the time and I love that! She doesn't change herself for anyone and she is who she is. I respect and admire that. I'm sure she'll make it over the canyon soon. The only other person I think will ever make it is my husband, whoever he is. I might be surprised, a few more friends or family members might make it, but it would definitely take time. Learning things like this let me heal, let me treat others as they need to be not as I feel they should be (because some days I don't feel they should be treated well). I learn the good and the bad, but I take them in stride. They are a part of me. Some, I will work on, others...well I hope they never change.

You see I have this new friend in my life and for the first time in my life it is a guy and I don't feel romantically about him. He is just this wonderful guy that I've been lucky enough to stumble across and befriend. He is Christian, adventurous, caring, daring, funny, smart, sweet, easy to talk to, and simple. I get him. Most of the time I have this philosophy about guys: they're complicated. But not him! If we fight, we understand each other and it blows over. The conversation can go on and on without a single ounce of silence lingering in the air. I love it. He has a fresh perspective on so many things and he is so encouraging. He makes me want to be a better person. I like the idea of having a guy friend, it's simple and easy and fun. We can sit at the riverfront sipping sweet tea and coca-cola and have a great time. I am just so amazed that, I...I, can have a guy friend. I can and will and do and it's wonderful.

Training is officially underway for the Half-Marathon. I get 1 sometimes 2 days off a week, it's pretty intense. I will be running 6 miles by the end of january and 10 by the beginning of march. 13.1 miles here I come. I'm not really worried about time, I just want to finish. I ran 2 miles last week though on the track at the YMCA and I ran it in 18:22, thats 9:11 a mile!!! If I can run that pace on race day I'll be rockin'. I wasn't even straining myself or out of breath running at the pace, so I could probably get that pace comfortably and push myself at the end for that last adrenaline burst. I'm hoping if I can do this, which I really believe I can and will, after this I want to try a mini triatholon... 400 meter swim (16 laps in an olympic size pool), 10 mile bike ride, and 2.5 mile run. After the half-marathon the running will be cake, if I spend 1 of my cross training days swimming one week and then cycling one of them the next week after the half-marathon I would be able to train for a minitri in about 2-3 months instead of 6. This ought to be fun. I am really curious to see how in shape I'll get and how much more weight I'll lose in training, my goal is another 15-25 lbs by next year. If I complete a half-marathon, a minitri, and a couple small races I'll be in the best shape of my life.

1Corinthians16:14 Do everything in love.

<3

abbyt.

God's Grace=Erase

Wow! I can't believe my last blog is from 2 weeks before the semester even started, now my first semester at UK is over. I've learned so much this semester, not only academically, but about myself. I have really grown up and I can now say that growing up is one of the hardest things I am continually forced to do.

Academically, I have loved most of my professors. Liked all of them. Even my TA's are wonderful! They have been extremely understanding with all my illness off and on this semester and very flexible with me. They have challenged me and inspired me, which is what I am supposed to get from a good education. Speaking of education, I finally figured out in all of the chaos of this semester that my passion in life, my sole desire is to love kids and to help them better themselves. So...I am becoming an elementary school teacher and I couldn't be more excited. Who gets to play with kiddo's, train the next generation, unlock potential, believe in fairytales and santa claus, and get summer breaks? I do! I am so excited to start working with kids everyday, I know it may not feel like it everyday, but everyday I will be doing something that makes a difference in the the long run--it reminds me of the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson "To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." If I can come close to this definition, I believe Emerson is correct, I will have succeeded.

I have also grown as person--partly because of the environment of UK and partly because I was forced to be on my own. I made quite a few new friends, all of whom are very dear to me. One of them has turned out to be the best friend I have ever had in my entire life. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I'm grateful to have someone who understands me, doesn't judge me, talks through things with me, and most of all loves me through all my mistakes. She's as good a they come in the best friend category. I will also tell you that I have, unlike most freshman, lost weight. Instead of gaining the traditional "freshman 15" I have actually lost 8 lbs since starting college. As for my weight loss, I'm down 55 lbs now but I still have a goal of losing another 20lb.

I can't say I've dealt with my issues all that well this semester, I've been up and I've been down. At the very beginning of the semester, I had trouble sleeping at night because I let things get to me so much. Later, I tried the good 'ol bottle it up method...which also didn't work out so well. I have done my fair share of crying, but the truth is I haven't really dealt with the issues. I made a promise to myself and to God though that I would let 2010 be a year of healing. I have to heal from past relationships, from trauma, and from pieces of my heart I've given away to the wrong guy. So as hard as it going to be as Hebrews 4:16 says "So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help."

So I started running in April of this year, like I literally hopped on a treadmill for the first time in my life to run. I seriously wanted to die even walking at 4.0 for a mile. I kept at it though and got a little better, by May I bought my first pair of real running shoes--my brooks'. In June I ran/walked 2.7 miles with my sister-in-law. And throughout the summer I trained to run a 5k but never got around to it. Now it's December and I typically run about 10-15 miles a week. I can run for a pretty decent amount of time on the treadmill, but today I began working on running on an actual surface. I ran a mile without stopping in 11:30 so that's not bad. My goal in 2010 is to run an 8 minute mile, treadmill or track I don't care. I am spieling about my running because I am beginning to train for a half-marathon. Although I have never ran even a 5k, I am going to run 13.1 miles by my birthday, March 28th. My sister-in-law is doing it with me, she is also making my training schedule. My goal is to finish it, I would like to be able to run the whole thing with a steady pace of 12 minute miles, but finishing is all I ask for.

I am also trying to really beginning taking steps of faith in my walk with Christ, because for the past year He was carrying me for most it. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the concept of God forgiving me for my sins. But God showed me the Book of Hebrews which explains all of it and makes it pretty clear. That doesn't mean I get it completely or accept it just yet, but I'm getting there. Hebrews 8:9-13 " This new plan I'm making with Israel isn't going to be written on paper, isn't going to be chiseled in stone; This time I'm writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I'll be their God, they'll be my people. They won't go to school to learn about me, or buy a book called God in Five Easy Lessons. They'll all get to know me firsthand, the little and the big, the small and the great. They'll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean."

As for now I'm just a girl on a mission: 10 miles to build endurance for, 1 heart to heal, 1 Jesus who paid for my forgiveness... convincing myself to believe it's okay to make mistakes.

<3

abbyt.