Cracked Hands and a Polished Ring

The boy is coming to my hometown to spend new year's eve with me, I feel pretty special. In light of this visit I was forced to clean the upper half of my home, the place I used to live. Let me tell you it wasnt pretty. I spent 4 hours straight non-stop working. I washed mirrors, vacuumed, swept, washed counters and sinks, changed bed sheets, cleaned a shower, and for the first time in my life cleaned a toilet. Yes I did just say it was my FIRST time cleaning a toilet...that means ever. The most horrifically scarring incident had to be taking out the trash. There were 3 trash bags that needed to be taken out, the first two not so bad the third smelled so bad I almost threw up what dinner I had just eaten. Mind you it's not that I or my brother are unsanitary it's the fact that both of us have only been home 6 times in 4 months and used it repeatedly until today without a bag change. It was really bad, and I never want to smell something that awful ever again. I also baked a cake for him! I hope he'll like it, and appreciate the hard cleaning effort. Yes I wanted it to be clean for the sake of being clean, and yes so that he had somewhere that was livable, and yes even to impress him BUT mostly because I really care about him. In this blog I assure he will always be reffered to as boy so don't expect to find out what boy could possibly be so wonderful, he knows who he is. Hell, I call him boy in real life. But he is wonderful to me and I can't ever seem to find a way to repay him, I hope the time we spend tomorrow together will show him how much I do care about him.
Have a great new years!

Bland, Stale, Saltine Crackers.

Death has been something I have had to deal with before. The first I can remember is when I was about 8 and my godmother passed away. I remember my uncle dying of drunk driving, my great aunt of breast cancer, my softball coach of a construction accident, and then friends. May5th of this year a girl in my class named jessica died on prom night in a car accident. Although I never knew her really well, I grew up playing sports with her in my home town and I knew she wasn't a person who deserved to die young. Then this summer just 3 weeks before my brother's wedding my great grandfather passed away of heart complications. Next about a month ago another boy in my class died, this one I knew very well personally and had grown up with. His name was Aaron and he was my first boyfriend back in the preschool days. I used to say "That Aaron, he's a tiger.", (meaning I thought he was real cute). He died in a Grain Cylow ( forgive my butchered spelling). I couldn't bring myself to attend the funeral. Before I go on to the most recent I must say I use to deal with death fine. I was a little sad but I never cried. I guess emotions started becoming more of who I am and now death is a subject I like to avoid at all costs. It's not that I am scared of it, I have been saved by my Lord and Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, but it is terribly and misserably painful. You see I have dealt with a lot of stuff in my life, stuff that I wouldn't take back because it made me who I am, and I do love myself but it has also made me prideful. In that I believe I can handle my emotions on my own, and as much as I hate to say it I know it's not true--but because I am stubborn I will never be able to take this beyond words. I have an RA who is what I call my "big" she is me and I am her. She understands me and has been through EVERYTHING I have. Although it is comforting knowing shes been there it is hard expressing to someone who understands how an issue is weighing on your heart. I know that sounds crazy, you'd think if someone understands you it would help greatly but in my opinion I don't believe that. I love her like a sister, because she practically is and as much as I want to talk to her, I don't know how. Bringing up death and the love ones I lost and the effect it's had on me is not so simple, not at all. That's where it gets messy and complicated, and that when like a shield I use my pride as protection. Lastly a close friend of mine from my new school passed away. John Mark's reason for death is still unknown, atleast I haven't heard why yet. He always knew when I needed cheering up and could do it easily. He was such a fun loving guy who possessed such a wonderful character. It will be weird not having him around the dorm any more, not having him IM'ing me to keep me awake in history, not hearing his laugh, and not having his friendship. He was someone who meant a lot to me and I can't bring myself to believe he's really gone. I don't know when it will become reality. When does the death of someone, who's friendship was truly valued, when does that become evident? I bought an Angel of Rememberance and a sympathy card for his parents. I can't immagine the pain they are feeling, going to bed like its any other normal night, and waking up with their son not there. My prayers go out to John Mark's family, may the God of all Comfort, give you peace of mind and strengthen your hearts as you face this, as we all face it together. I don't know how to really deal with it, I have been ignoring it praying it will just fade with time but I know that can't be true, a pot hole in the road won't fix itself. I am afraid my pride is beginning to get the best of me and doesn't allow me to cry out for help when I need most because of one word...fear.
I don't know how to say how much all of this hurts, how to handle this, and bear through it. I don't know. Right now Dear Abby, doesn't have her own answers. It feels like I have no control, and if you know me I need control.
I need answers
I need control
I need someone to strip me of my pride
I need someone to comfort me
I need someone who understands me
I can't handle this alone.

I always fancied the lazer lemon crayon.

Alright so at 3:23 in the morning what can one truly say that will have any profound meaning? That's right...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! So I am posting only out of sheer excitement. I have created my first blog, something of my own. I think I have a place to call home. Although with people reading my home, it doesn't seem so personal. Nevertheless I am happy to be home. I have no idea what I'll write on here, I may end up with youtube links to charlie and candy mountain, or talking none stop about my boy (rather a habit I have picked up lately), poetry, song lyrics, angst in raging woman form, who knows. I can't promise it will be profound or meaningful to anyone but myself, and even then it will only be so when I look back upon it, months from now. So I'm calling it a night at 3:28 in the morning. With baking and cleaning to do tomorrow, yes I said baking and cleaning (I'm really not that type) I can use all the sleep I can get.